Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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