I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
