Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
