Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
