I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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