4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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