somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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