I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
