So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
