I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
