Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
