oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
