How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
