At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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