Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
