the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
