I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
