explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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