If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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