My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
