Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Randomize
