Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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