If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Who died my cat blue again?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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