i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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