She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
