I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
