I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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