her vagine was all disorganized.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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