I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
