i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
