Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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