if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
