just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
