I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
