Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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