Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
