If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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