dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
