I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just want nice things and good sex
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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