i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
