If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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