Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
