I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
