So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
