her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
