don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
