he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
