Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
