I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
