hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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