Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
