Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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